LOTS OF WORDS...
Since I use this as a journal, I am going to write an entry with some personal feelings. I feel like I have had so many thoughts in my head lately. Some good and some bad. With everything going on I do say a prayer of gratitude daily for everything that I have been blessed with. I am so glad that I have a knowledge that I am a Child of God and that He knows me and looks out for me.
I see our world changing so much. And the sad thing is that it is not for the better. Well, some things are I guess. But it's almost like slowly our society is becoming de-sensitized to things. One of the things that I have been very involved in these past few months is PROP 8 here in California. I will admit that when I first heard about it... I didn't fully understand it. I DON'T think it is good to judge others for what lifestyle they choose and whether or not they decide to have a same sex union. However, I now understand it's IMPORTANCE and the huge role it will play in our state (even country) if it doesn't pass. Teachers will talk to kids about gay "marriage" as early as kindergarden. And with no parental approval. Our kids will grow up with stories about a King and a King instead of King and Queen. Something about that seems so wrong. It should not be something that is taught to kids. Yes... they will end up learning about it but not like that.
If PROP 8 doesn't pass we will also have our religious freedoms stripped of us. I see this to be very hypocritical coming from a group of people who want equal rights and to be treated fair. Catholic churches in Massachusetts have already had to close their adoption agencies because their church did not believe in allowing kids to be given to homosexual couples. Religions such as Mormons, Catholics, Presbyterian and others will have to allow same sex couples to marry each other on their property... even though it goes against what their religion believes.
Another thing that is on my mind a lot lately is my small trial. It really is not one that is a big deal. I have a few friends going through much harder trials. Life gives us all trials... sometimes big and sometimes small. They always seem to be learning experiences and I have learned great lessons from some of you with bigger trials. My trial right now is not being able to get pregnant. I do realize how blessed I am to have 2 beautiful girls. I really do! I just always thought I would be fertile myrtle. I conceived Haven the first month we tried. When trying for Berkley... it took 7 months. I know it doesn't sound long but when I was going through it and wanting to plan the timing... it seemed long. I learned patience from this and that sometimes it is not "MY" time but rather "HIS". I am going through this again right now. We have been wanting a third child to join our family and again I find myself sad every month when it doesn't happen. I have turned it over to the Lord to know when the time will be right. I hope soon...
It's no secret that our economy isn't the greatest right now. Some say it is going to get as bad as the great depression. I sure hope not... but are we prepared? I certainly don't feel like I am. I certainly worry about our financial future. It makes me feel SO grateful to have a home and a car. It makes me feel bad that at times I want a bigger house and a nicer car. It has really put things into perspective for me that I am so fortunate to have what I do.
With all this said, I feel overwhelmed to be a mother in today's world. At times... I have even gone so far as to think that maybe I shouldn't have another child or that I am not supposed to. The worry that I feel as a mother to raise these children in such a harsh world scares me daily. I know that I can do it but I also know that it won't be easy. I know that by the time my kids are in high school... they will probably be faced with things that I never had to be faced with. These are the last days. I feel priveledged to be here but also know that I have a duty which I need to fulfill. I truly feel blessed to have a great network of friends and family to help me through it.
I know sometimes that my words don't come out exactly how I want them to. I just hope that one day my kids and grandkids can read this and understand a little more about me, my feelings and what the world was like in 2008. Hopefully they won't think I was a Debbie Downer? I LOVE my life...
